How we are socialized can pose great
challenges as well as strengths in our lives today and tomorrow. One strange
thing I have come to discover about myself is my poor inability to say goodbye.
My friends especially tease me on this odd trait and I must admit a simple act
as bidding someone farewell can take me close to an hour or so to do( I know am
quite the chatter box).
Now this might not seem too tragic on the
face of it, but I have been wondering for a long time now why some people
(women especially) stay in relationships that long turned sour. Is this a bad
case of the inability to say goodbye?
Am not sure why relationships ever get to the
‘it’s complicated’ stage. I imagine any form of relation with others should be
for some sort of gain or benefit that both of you derive. It could be for
companionship, love, support, encouragement...The list really is endless…but I fancy
it should have some positivity in it.Never do we hear of people
enthusiastically searching for pain, regret and bucket loads of….you get the
point don’t you!
So why is it that these people still stay
when the happiness quickly fades away and in comes rivers of tears? They are
more sad than glad to be with these same people who once made them tingle and
now make their hearts race with anxiety and panic attacks!!Doesn’t getting your
running shoes on quickly come into mind?
I know various scholars and theories have
been put forth on why people stay in such dysfunctional and often abusive
relationships. Many a times it could be because of how we are socialized.
Culture and religion further fuel this issue. Now as asserted severally before, I do love my
culture and my religion, but I love me too…this might not seat pretty with my
clan elders or with the clergy and laity
but I chose to settle this matter with St Peter and God Himself when the time
does come. I have thus concluded that leaving such crappy relationships
whatever the form is literally as easy as A-B-C.
A-
Activate your
self Esteem.
After spending time with anyone who abuses
you physically, mentally or emotionally, yourself-worth and self-esteem are
often in the negative zones. These people have mustered the skill of destroying
the human spirit with words, acts and omissions. Most victims stay putt in these
cycles because they believe nobody else will want them and believe the
expression better the devil you know….Your first step to running from this
destruction that faces you is to activate your self-esteem. Most abusers first tactic
is to destroy your own self-image. Once you re-build this they will feel
threatened and might realize they no longer have their claws stuck into you.
Hung out with people who make you feel good
about yourself. Do stuff you enjoy and get repairing that lost self-esteem.
B-
Be Bold.
Now I don’t mean go out and buy an AK47 or hire an
assassin. Depending on what form of abuse you face be very careful on how you
approach this matter…i.e. tell the brother to take a hike! If he is the violent
gladiator, I think it is common sense to tell him with serious manpower behind
you. Or whatever will make you feel safe given he might not take those words too
kindly. Be bold –is actually more for you than it is for him. It is
acknowledging that things did not pun out as planned and it is perfectly
alright to end this NOW. Get rid of the water proof mascara and as Ciku Muiruri
says in her article ‘Killing for love? That’s plain daft’-allow yourself to cry
a river, build a bridge and get over it!
C-
Call it quits.
And finally be firm with your decision to
leave. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting for you and for us to still be your friend if you keep back-stepping and
forgiving this one person who causes such mayhem and chaos in your life that we
have to help clean up. Forgive him yes but from a distance…again more for you
than it is him! You deserve to be happy inside and out and it is never alright
to let someone deliberately trample upon your dreams, desires and wellbeing.
There you have it…saying goodbye simplified!
