Am lucky to have aunts who keep it real and say it like it is……find below a series of open letters to their nieces. Hope you will save a copy and make reference to it from time to time and share it with all your girls too!
Hi Ladies,
I have been writing this since I got back:
I have to accept that you are no longer girls now….
Being your youngest [stress young…] aunty, I feel I have the responsibility to talk to you about issues that your mothers will probably find hard to talk to you about.
The issue at hand at the moment is relationships [read: MEN],I love all of you so much and I would hate any of you to go through some things I have seen in my lifetime. I know some of you are already rolling your eyes and saying “here we go again” but believe me, I was once your age and thought and felt that I was knowledgeable and mature enough to make the right choices-but guess what, I wasn’t, and I wish I had someone to talk to me openly and honestly. May I apologise in advance if I cause any offence, I know I have met some of your interested parties, but I am not being personal-I just want to be sure that whatever decisions you take, you do it with your eyes wide open.
This are the warning signs of a man who will control you, delete your life as you know it and even result to violence. I want you to look at the list, and if the men you are seeing are represented in this boxes, trust me its time to get out.
1. You are all beautiful, intelligent and capable [and am not just saying that because you have my genes and any man who makes you feel any less than that is questionable.
2.I know we all have to hide our relationships from our parents to some point, but if you are having to lead a double life to be with a man, he is not worth it, and that’s a first red flag to violence.
3. if he openly humiliates you and puts you down, believe me its not going to get better.
4. If you are having to make excuses for his behaviour, actions or explain his comments, that’s a person you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with.
5. If you cannot fit your family and friends around him and find that you have to abandon the former for him, again a major red flag for violence. Violent men will always first isolate you from those closest to you-family and friends. Oh believe me at the time you wont realize what’s happening, you’ll think its all love, then you find yourself cancelling that family function or that date with a friend in order to be with him all the time convincing yourself that you didn’t really want to go meet that long lost friend or for that family get together because it was going to be boring anyway.
6. I know we all fall in love and feel like we can’t do without that man in our life, but if that feeling is persistent and makes you keep going back to him despite his unbecoming behavior, another red flag.
7. If you get anxious or afraid to be with him in the presence of your family or friends and you find yourself constantly saying ‘they just don’t understand/like him’ its time to cut your losses. One person can have a problem or even not understand him, but if it’s 2 or more, open your eyes girl…
8. If he makes you feel like no one else would want you-do I need to say it-GET OUT!
9.If he is possessive over you and you have to explain, who is that, who were you talking to, how do you know them, and gets into a huff if you talk to another guy or even flies into a rage…again, a bright red warning sign.
10. If you are afraid or anxious to raise an issue with them about something they said, did or didn’t do, that’s another red flag.
11. If he makes you think or feel your life plans/dreams/goals are not that important-he is the most important thing in your life right now-he is not right for you.
12..This is the crunch of it-IF EVER a man lays his hand or his finger on you in anger or bangs a table, a wall or breaks something because of you-please, please I beg you, don’t wait another minute-dump him! Violent men know how to apologize, they will even cry and tell you how special you are, how they can’t live without you and how it will never happen again. He probably means it, but he can’t help himself and IT WILL happen again.
Society makes you feel like that the above is normal in a relationship -well I am telling you society can go jump off a cliff-it is YOUR life you are the one who has to deal with it.
Make sure your men understand who you are and what’s important to you-if you go with a blank canvas, believe me they will fill it in for you with what’s important to them! If they see you are willing to push aside your values, dreams and aspirations they will help you push.
If you do make a bad call, do not be afraid of what people will think if you change direction, kama ni mbaya ,mbaya, just know its your life, not everybody else’s, and people will always talk. If you need to get out-then just do. I assure you a few of us will always be in your camp no matter what.
I am not putting you off men and marriage; I am just saying make sure it’s with the right person. Marriage/relationships even at its best isn’t easy and takes compromise, but it doesn’t have to be endured, it’s meant to be enjoyed.
Ladies you are family, I would like to believe that if you saw the red flags in the man the other person is dating, that you have the inherited right to point it out, and if its pointed out to you, you need to take it as it is meant-in your best interest and not get offended. You all need that-because as I said, when you are in it, you might not necessarily see it. Just to let you know that if I see it, I am going to point it out…hopefully one day you will thank me for it.
And finally as I’ve always said, if you need to talk, I hope you know am always there. Anytime, without judgement.
I wish you all love and relationships that make you grow, not hamper you.
Lots of love
Your Auntie
